The saying goes "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone". I lost him once. I knew how it would be like. But as time went by, i took things for granted. I took him for granted. There were many things he didn't know about me. Many things i had to suffer alone. Many things I didn't want to tell him in fear of getting reprimanded. And he never knew. Never knew how my dreams revolved around him. How i was afraid to admit that I wasn't looking at anything else, or any other life that didn't involve him...that i can't build a dream of my own that he wasn't in. It was almost obsessive, and wrong. And I was afraid to let him know how weak I was. I was afraid to even admit to myself that try though I might, I allowed myself to let my world revolve around him.

I was desperate to build a life of my own. To have dreams of my own. To be strong on my own. I wanted him to feel that I can be as strong as he. That I can stand on my own without him.

I was bitter that i can't touch him. Can't cry out to him. Complain to no end. He would've listened. He would've cared. He would've said his side. But i never did...

I didn't share my life with him. As he wanted so. He tried so hard to make it work. To communicate. To divide his time between me and everything else that was confusing and hurting him. The homesickness, getting along with the people around him, the stress of the job, the financial issues... having to take care of himself and even others around him... and even others far away from him. Everyone... everyone but himself. So sometimes he got sick.

And maybe he needed me... but i was not there for him. At the lonely, trying moments of his life... me, the one who was supposed to love him, to be the partner of his life forever and ever... chose to do something else. Chose to priortize other things.

I can't blame him for leaving. After all that i've done, he should have left me a long time ago. But God was good. God gave him to me. At least for a short while.

The happiest moments of my life, i spent with him. I wish i had time to tell him. Wish i had the courage to show him.

Things may be too late. Harsh words in the heat of anger has been said. And i may never have the chance to make amends. I have already used up all my aces. All my promises.... I have nothing to bargain with anymore.
I have no face to show.

If only I can hold him and tell him everything will be alright. Tell him that even if he chooses not to be with me, he'll be happy. Because I prayed for it. Because he deserves it. Because he should be happy.

Had he not done this, i would not have understood the depth of his importance in my life. I would have kept on taking him for granted. Kept on hurting him.

Now that i know, I understand that i cannot be selfish. That for the short time he was given to me, he was a gift beyond what i deserved. Beyond what I hoped for. He loved me more than i asked for. And God is good beyond words for letting me experience his love. For showing me a glimpse of how it is to have a dream of family, of children, of someone who I can count on and grow old with. Someone who'll be sane and strong when I'm weak and irrational.

As short as it was, it was real for a moment. How many people in the world get to live it? How many people are given the opportunity to have this? I realize how lucky I am. Despite the pain. The almost unendurable pain. But i will live through this. Because I have to be strong. Because so many people depend on me. Love me.

I didn't know many things. And now it's too late. In the middle of the night, God, you know i talked with You. For the first time, i felt You listen to me. I heard You speak. You said he was Your gift to me. Just like my parents are my gift. You said You gave him to me so I can learn and feel love. And pain. And realize the worth of love through pain. And know happiness through love.

God, I promised you I would make a blog that had You in it, to thank You, to praise You. At least with You it's never too late. And I know he'll be happy, because You will make it so. He's a really great guy. He deserves to be happy.

Of course I wish that You bring him back to me. But I leave my fate to Your hands. Your will. If he's not coming back, then I know You have a better plan for him as well. And that You'll make sure he'll be happy with it.

As for me... I can be nothing but grateful. Thankful. I got more than what I deserved. It's time for me to grow up now.

Charles... I am sorry I wasn't there for you. That I was selfish. Selfish because I didn't tell you my pains and problems. That I kept you in the dark. That i wasn't there for you. I just assumed you were so strong, you didn't need me. That I was a burden for you. As your girlfriend, I should've shared my life with you, but I didn't. I should've trusted you.

I don't intend that you read this. You probably never will. I probably won't see you again. And I now I really have to build dreams that don't have you in it.

These were the things i never told you seriously. My baby girls name would've been Charlene... it's Cherrie and Charles together. The boys name would be Charles...as well of course. We'd have 2 kids. I would live in Australia with you of course. We'll never fight in front of the kids. We would teach them not to throw garbage everywhere. You'd have the my baby boy learn how to drive. I would see you playing with them, putting the little girl to sleep, just like you used to do with Gwyneth... and I would be so happy and proud that my kids had such a handsome daddy.

My parents would spoil our kids. My mom had been looking forward to my kids. She did like you and thought you'd be a responsible father. Just like you are with your family. With your little sister. With your neices and nephews.

I imagined that I would know nothing about housekeeping. But I will cook adobo and you'd hate it, and you'll say so. So I'll make another one. And I'll force you to like it. And you would've appreciated it because you always appreciate little things. Things that doesn't cost much but had been done with effort. And that I'll fold your clothes and you won't like it. You'd be silent about it and go about folding it your way. Maybe in the end, you'll teach me how to do your folding.

During Christmas, I would introduce you to my own family. And you'd charm the hell out of them, and i would be so proud. And they'll all say my boyfriend was good looking. Or husband.

We would have a house in Baguio of course. Every morning would be cold and crisp and there would be many trees. And I would wake up beside you and hug you just like I used to...

It was scaring me that I had these thoughts. I had these dreams. That it was not the dream I had originally. Canada. I had no thought of a family before.

But of course I have to grow up and let go of these dreams. And it's something I have to accept. I reap what I've sown. And someday, I'll be happy too. And you'll be happy as well. And from the bottom of my heart, I wish that you'll be happy. Even if it's not with me. I feel no anger towards you. Whatever things I complained about before, I no longer remember. All i know is that I was once happy with you. And that you did love me. And that I am grateful for the opportunity.

Thank you. And goodbye for now. Fate may yet bring us together. Until then, trust that the Lord will fix all your problems. That He is always there for you, even if I am not. And that you will always have a special place in my heart. As my family. I'm sorry I can't tell you in person. I want you to heal too. Just like I am trying. If i hurt you, I am sorry. Please know you don't deserve to be in pain. That if i could take that away from you I would. But while I can't, i trust in your strength. And that you can do anything, because I still admire you. I will not force myself on you anymore. I respect your decision. I respect you. I admire you even more for knowing that you deserve someone who can treat you better than I did. I admire that you know your worth.

Be happy.